Telephone Etiquettes, or lack of it!

Trrring Trrring, the phone rings.
“Hello?” I pick it up.
“Hey! Sudeep, It’s me, Sam*”
*any arbitary person representing all of the following.
“Hey Sam. What’s up?”
“Ah! Nothing much. So what are you doing?”
You bloody fat-head, I am so obviously talking to you. “Hmm. Just. I was reading something.”

What ARE you doing? That’s one of the most annoying questions over the phone. On phone, you feel calm, relaxed, and so you forget all the tenses. You call, and after the perfunctory Hi’s, what are u doing? What do u think I am doing? Am I not pretty apparently talking to u? What do you want to hear? Tell me! I love your voice and I’m wanking myself? Or do you want to hear the truth that I’m actually watching a movie/chatting online and that I honestly have no desire to hear your voice, especially if it’s filled with such conversations! NEVER ask me that question. It’s a 99% turn off. (The remaining 1% is reserved for women with exceptionally sexy voice… ahem... never mind).

“What were you reading?”
“Pharmacology”
“Which part?”
“Cardiovascular drugs.” (Ignore the medical jargon here, if u would rather)
“Which chapter?”
“Umm… anti-hypertensives.” (I said, forget the medical parlance)
Hum... “Did you finish it?”

Details! Details! I sometimes seriously wonder (you, by now, must have gotten a hint, that I have all the time in the world to ponder about and reflect upon such details!) that my parents must have hired u to sneak upon me, or maybe the Crime Investigation people because of my girl-friend’s cat I boiled last summer (I – want to – know what you did last summer). Come on! Spare me! Does it really matter what page of the book I am on? Or what line of the song I am (was) listening to. Will u remember 10 minutes later my occupation and note that in your personal diary – Thursday, 3rd May: I called up Sudeep and he was on the 376th page of a Pathology book? Blah!

“Nah. You called me”
“Oh, so did I disturb you?”
“Um, yes, so to speak”
“Hey, come on. You could have said ‘No, it’s ok. No problem.’”
“Ok. If you insist. No Sam, it’s ok. No problem…”

Disturb and being disturbed! If u ask me a question, be prepared to face the honest, even if brutally so, answers. If I was disturbed, the answer would be yes. If u want me to follow to niceties of society, there’s a simple task… assume that you’ve asked me the polite question and that I’ve already given that socially-acceptable non-offensive politically-correct answer, and get on with it. Or better, decide if you want me to be honest with you, or do u want me to memorise and blindly answer - “Oh mate. You can never disturb me!”? Get this thing straight - I am not your mother! Neither am i being paid to be polite with you.

“Huh. Fine. So, did you have your breakfast?”
“Yeah.”
“What did u eat?”
“Food.”
“Ha-ha. I mean what exactly?”
“Dosa.”

Of mouth and morcels. What will you do knowing the details of what I ate? If you are from another country, or another planet altogether, fine! But not otherwise? What’ll u do? Tell your mom “MOM, Sudeep is eating dosa and I also want one.”? Or do u intend to compare the nutritional values of our breakfasts? Or lunches? Or dinners? Huh!

“So what else?”
“Just… that’s it. I might plan to study most of the day”
“Hmm.. good good! And what else?”

Nothing else! This is, by far, the most exasperating part of a phone conversation. The string of ‘what else’s. Listen, if you having nothing to talk, don’t waste your cash over the growing minutes. Keep down the phone. Remember, I am NOT a talking autobiography that will keep parroting if properly punctuated by your battery of ‘what else’s. Just say “so long then, brother” or some similar nice line, and go! Au revoir! If u don’t have anything to say, or ask, don’t attempt! Or, be more precise - Ask my plans for the day, or something. Open a dictionary-cum-thesaurus and look for new words, new phrases. Use your broken-nail-sized brain and think some questions. If u want me to ask questions and answer them myself, I’ll mail u. Or maybe not. But don’t bother me with that! It just doesn’t get on my nerves, but it stays there, and then dances on the nerves! Please be wise enough to realize the convo is leading nowhere and it’s time to hang up. Or I’ll have to take anti-social politically-incorrect measures:

“Nothing. That’s all. I have to get back to page 376. so, can I get back to you later?” maybe like after a few months?
“Yeah. Ok. Um. Fine. See ya. Bye”
click

Brazilians, Ch@t and English

I've talked with people of many nationalities online. People from Japan, China, France, English-speaking countries, Hungary, Holland, Sweden, Slovakia.. many of them, and all of them laugh as "hahaha" or "hehe", at times it's "HiHiHi", and at yet other times, it's a wierd, though acceptable "houhouhou". And rarely, it's a Santa Claus mimic "hohoho". But brazilians they laugh strangely - "kkkkkk" or "rsrsrsrsrs" or "hsauhsaushasu" or "hiuhdsuiadhsad". I mean, how can they produce such awkward sounds while laughing? Try laughing as kkkkkkk... u'll have serious throat problem even u r in the pink, or orange, or lavender, whatever, of your health! Once i asked a guy "why do u laugh as - iuhduishdsauhd?" He replied, "you can laugh anyhow, there's no rule!"

Brazilians are strange! Period! Be it the stereotyped jungles and monkeys or anacondas, or the beaches and parties or carnival, i.e. consider Brazil either a giant Rain Forest, or a giant Rio de Janeiro, Brazilians are a strangely odd lot, c'est vrai!

And apparently, no matter how less english Brazilians know.. English slangs are on the tip of their tongue!!! Fuck, shit, bastard, Hell... most know these words. I guess I can venture that "ALL know these, and such, words." A guy i was talking to told me, "Suds, wait, I'm going to make some shit." Come again? MAKE shit? I was surprised! How the Devil can u make shit? It's like having a shit factory. 'I make shit that?' I'd be the first to ask 'And pray, tell me, what do u DO of that shit u make?'. And why make SOME shit? Make all of it at once, and get over with it! Yuck! Never mind.

Then some folks choose the simpler route. Who'll bother conjugating a verb? Let's use the good ol' infinitif sense. So the sentences produced are - I to have to go. What you to be doing? I to hope he don't to be talking about me. Damn! Conjugation is too complicated.. You (the reader) do the dirty work! And, come on. Brazilian verbs have like 56 conjugations! and they can't bear with just two per english verb? It's always - I has, u has, we has, they has, and then, it have, he have, she have... like a rule! conjugate wrongly -show we r Brazilians!

Et puis, some newly-introduced-to-English Brazilians incorporate portuguese (port) words in the sentences because they aren't aware of english counterparts and are too lazy to use an online translator website, and after doing that they ask "Did u understand?". How the Devil am I going to f***ing understand? I surely am not God, am I supposed to know all languages? And even if I did know portuguese, I'd be talking to u in port, rather than suffering the agony of your Brazinglish!

And we have the verb-inventors and sentences-lengtheners. The former generate new verbs (i out now, ok?; i didn't entend) and the latter make sentences unnecessarily long (i'll go out to have to make lunch, write simply, i'll go to lunch! Period!)

They also ask to be corrected. You correct mistakes, i.e. something wrong in lots of right stuff. Point? You should be able to understand what is the mistake-maker trying to mean, and then u can correct or better his sentences. For eg: you are permanent derfered, it makes hot or cold? Here, what the hell are u supposed to reply? or even understand? and what'll you correct? That's lucky I know a bit of French, so i know he meant to ask about the weather, in the latter part. But the mystery of permanent defered still remains unsolved.

Il y a des gens qui ignorent "you". They just do not know the usage and application of "you". They can understand it when spoken to and reply appropriately. But, they'll adress u as "it". It is a student? It works? It has a gf? Hello! Are you talking to me? Or is it my pet dog who's in mention?

An excerpt:
Me - Are you a student?
the Brazilian - yes, i are.
Me - good.
B - it works?
Me - no i am a student
B- ok, and it is an Indian?
Me - you* are* an Indian?
B - no, I are a Brazilian!
I mean, WA-HAT? I actually advised this Brazilian just before the end of our conversation "Please improve your english and come." Rude? I agree. But there's a limit, I was almost at the end of my tether!

Anyway... too long for a first blog, i must say! but I hope it's turned out well-enough!Comment and stay tuned!